


fire burns brighter in the darkness

by fingerslacedinstars



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Childhood Friends, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Character Death, Past Implied/Referenced Suicide Attempt, past Implied/Referenced Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:34:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24767032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fingerslacedinstars/pseuds/fingerslacedinstars
Summary: Playing with fire is a dangerous game that Jasper and Octavia were determined to master. For over twelve years they danced through the flames, constantly testing their limits. But does one truly make it out of a ring of fire alive?
Relationships: Bryan/Nathan Miller, John Murphy/Raven Reyes, Monty Green/Harper McIntyre, Octavia Blake/Jasper Jordan, past Clarke Griffin/Lexa - Relationship, past Jasper Jordan/Maya Vie, past Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	fire burns brighter in the darkness

If you asked Jasper how he fell in love with Octavia, he wouldn't be able to give you the answer you wanted. He wouldn’t tell you that it was the way their hands fit together perfectly, almost mechanically, like they were made to intertwine. He wouldn’t tell you that they could communicate without words and only looks. How Octavia could simply, sometimes unknowingly, arch her eyebrow or tug her lip to the side and it would tell him everything he needed to know. There was no epic firework moment or one defining action that summed up what falling in love with Octavia was like. This wasn’t a tale to be told over morning coffee. There was a whole story to be written. Chapters upon chapters of first meetings, heartbreak, betrayal, reconciliation, and secrecy to pull it all together. If Jasper had the time to write it all down, he wouldn't even know when to stop. There was over twelve years of history to be told and the story was far from over. A new chapter was just beginning.

**xxx**

When Octavia moved in next door at six years old, it ignited a spark in Jasper’s life that he would only ever start to feel in the years to come. But before the flames began to rise high enough to set fire to his life, the two children started off their story thick as thieves. All it took was Jasper catching Octavia peeking over the fence while he was playing in his tree house. They stuck together like glue after that.

They'd do what any other six year olds would do; ride their bikes in circles around the block, draw silly pictures with chalk on the driveway, eat popsicles until their tongues turned purple. Octavia would defend Jasper from bullies on the playground at recess and Jasper would sneak a few extra strawberries to share with Octavia at lunchtime. They’d find solace in Jasper’s tree house telling magical stories when Aurora was having a _bad day_. Sometimes Bellamy would come too. They all had each other's backs.

**xxx**

When they entered middle school and their friendship group started to expand, the two were still kindred spirits. Movie nights at Clarke's snuggled next to each other during scary movies, holding hands on the big rides at Six Flags, and reading Harry Potter together on snow days. (Monty making Octavia swear that she would **never** get a Dark Mark tattoo).

Eighth grade is when Jasper started to feel the beginning of the burn from the spark that started to ignite when they were just children. While they were still connected at the hip, there was a fine line between them. A line that Jasper was terrified to cross. Maybe it was because everything around him was starting to change. Beginning with his parents taking extra business trips and him having to stay with the Greens on the weekends. Or how Murphy stopped hanging out with the group and always looked so mad all the time.

His friendship with Octavia was one of the only things that had always been consistent in his life. At this point he couldn’t take the risk of anything else changing. It didn’t matter if butterflies started to swarm in his stomach when they ran home from school together, hand in hand, ( _“Our fingers were intertwined Monty!”_ ) in the pouring rain. It didn’t matter if he wanted to go to the movies with her, just the two of them, alone, on a _date_. It didn’t matter if he had been dreaming about this since he was six. None of it mattered.

So no, he didn't ask Octavia to the winter dance. Not even after watching Finn ask Raven in front of the whole school in the cafeteria and seeing her smile so brightly. He imagined how he would do it himself if he asked Octavia. He would not follow the route of making a grand gesture and asking in front of everyone at school. The risk of getting rejected in front of his best friends or stumbling over his words during a speech was too much to handle. Instead he would pick out the purple and pink flowers from his front yard and make a small bouquet tied with some leftover birthday ribbon. He’d then go next door and hope Bellamy wouldn’t be the one to answer when he knocked. Using as little words as he could, he would ask her to be his date and hopefully she would say yes.

Unfortunately he would never know the answer. The big night rolled around and they all ended up going as a group. Bellamy even dragged Murphy out from wherever he had been hiding. For the first time in a while the whole gang was back together again. At least for this one night.

While the night was still young it had been a complete success so far. The idea of going as a group might have been just as great as going _with_ Octavia would be. Technically, they were still together. They danced to all the pop-y songs and sang until they were out of breath. Murphy and Jasper headbanged along to their favorite songs that they played during Rock Band at Clarke’s. Everything was falling right back into place until the moment that things started to shatter.

The dreaded slow songs started to play and while some pairs like Wells and Clarke, Raven and Finn, and Monty and Harper stayed on the dance floor, other's disbursed to the sides of the gym. Jasper stood alone, sipping on his watered down lemonade, and drowning in regrets. Monty had given him a pep talk weeks prior about asking Octavia to dance at least once. _"Don't look at anyone, don't talk to anyone, just walk right up to her and ask her to dance."_ They even rehearsed the scene a dozen times in Monty's bedroom that day and a dozen more times in the mirror when he got home. But it seemed all of that was for nothing, he was still standing alone, feet stuck in place. Octavia was nowhere in sight. He got pulled out of his thoughts by a woman's voice calling his name. He turned to see Clarke's mom trying to get his attention. She volunteered to chaperon even though Clarke begged her not to. He forgot he was still by the snack and drink area.

"I'm sorry Ab-, Mrs. Griffin." Jasper corrected himself quickly, remembering that they were at school and not at Clarke's house.

"Why aren't you out there dancing with Octavia?" Abby asked nonchalantly.

Jasper thought he should be embarrassed by the question, but anyone would have to be blind if they didn't know the way he felt about Octavia. Even if he decided not to act on it.

"I want to. It's just…" He trailed off, head hanging low.

"If Octavia can dance with you in my living room in front of all her friends, it would be silly if something was stopping her from doing it here."

He thought it over, tapping his fingers against the plastic empty cup.

"You're right. Thanks Mrs. Griffin." He shot her a small smile and went on his way.

Every step felt like a mile but he couldn't stop moving. His fingers tapped against his legs as he made his way through the crowd. He thought he might have seen Monty out of the corner of his eye but he repeated his advice in his head like a mantra. _"Don't look at anyone, don't talk to anyone, just walk right up to her and ask her to dance."_ Octavia finally came into view and he stopped dead in his tracks. She was already dancing with another boy. He recognized the boy as Atom from his math class. The room started spinning as he watched Octavia's hands travel up the boys neck and into his hair. Their heads inching closer and closer. He stopped himself from tipping over and turned back around as quickly as possible. The chorus of the slow song followed him all the way home.

During Christmas break the winter dance was long forgotten. He didn't tell anyone what happened that night, not even Monty. He carried on like nothing ever happened. Octavia seemed to do the same. Everyone was back together at the annual Christmas party at Monty’s. For the first time since the dance, Jasper had hope that things would be ok again. To no one's surprise, they both got each other Harry Potter related gifts. Octavia, with the help of Aurora, sewed Jasper a gryffindor scarf. Jasper saved up money doing extra chores around the house and bought Octavia her own set of Harry Potter books. As much as he loved sharing them with her, he wanted her to have her own. His set was quite literally about to break in half. The pages worn by doodling in the margins and highlighting their favorite scenes. The Half Blood Prince, Octavia’s favorite, nearly coming apart at the spine. It was her turn to make her own memories. After that night, Jasper realized that they didn’t have to be inches apart on a dance floor, he and Octavia were already closer than they could ever be.

"Are you going to Miller's birthday party tomorrow?" Octavia asked one day after school, one arm linked with Jasper’s.

"Of course."

"I overheard Harper saying they were going to play spin the bottle which sounds really exciting and all…"

"If it's so exciting why do you sound like you're going to puke?" He followed her eyes as she stared down at the concrete.

Octavia unlinked her arm from his and began twiddling her thumbs. "Well… because… IhaventhadmyfirstkissandIthinkweshouldkiss."

He had to hold himself back from stopping in the middle of the road. As much as he wanted to hear her say those words "I think we should kiss" again, he knew better.

"I thought you and Atom kissed at the dance." His stomach still stings at the memory.

"We didn't but he's going to be at the party and maybe if I'm lucky something will happen. I just want to be prepared. You understand right?"

They continued walking in silence until they reached Jaspers driveway.

Jasper took off his backpack and laid it on the ground. "I only want to do this if you're absolutely sure you want to do this."

"I want to do this."

They were facing each other now. He felt like he was back at the dance again, about to make a life changing move. But Octavia was in front of him now, he couldn't turn away this time. He took one step forward and now he was staring deep into her eyes. He hadn't noticed just how blue they were, and how when the sun hits them, like it was now, you could see little specks of green. They were beautiful. She was beautiful.

She made the next move and put her arms on his shoulders. Jasper flashed back to the dance again and all he could see was Octavia's hands running through Atoms hair. He snapped out of the thought as fast as he could. This was his moment now.

"I trust you Jas." Octavia whispered.

Before Jasper could take his next breath, Octavia was leaning in and so was he. Their noses brushed briefly before their lips finally met. It was soft and a little sticky with Octavia's watermelon chapstick, but it was still a kiss. A fleeting one at that. The ten seconds that felt like minutes came to an end and they pulled apart.

They stood in silence for a few moments, both completely awestruck. Jasper's eyes kept darting from Octavia's lips to the concrete.

"Well that was kind of fun." Octavia said, breaking the silence. Her cheeks turning pink.

"Maybe we could do it again sometime." Jasper replied quietly.

"Maybe."

"Bye Tavi."

Jasper's lips burned that night.

**xxx**

High School would be the years that the fires reached their peak and burned everything down in Jasper’s life. But of course, it didn’t immediately start out that way. An ache filled his chest as he entered his freshman year. Sometimes it went away quickly and sometimes it stayed there for days. Just like the dark thoughts that started to creep into his brain. It was like a light switch being turned on and off in his mind. It scared him that the power could just go out in his brain. How he could just be waiting in the darkness until the electricity came back on. It wasn’t something he could control. He had to wait it out and he hated it. But sometimes he could distract himself while he waited. Over the summer he had picked up photography. His dad had bought a vintage camera on one of his business trips. It was an apology gift for being away for so long this summer but Jasper wasn’t going to act like he didn’t appreciate the gift. It was a cool camera and he took it everywhere with him. He took pictures of everything from the red and yellow sunsets, to Clarke's german shepherd Oliver, to Bellamy and Monty fishing during the big group camping trip. He tried to capture every moment he could. It was one of the few things he had full control over. It was a way to bring it all in. And during those moments he would realize that the light had come back on.

Nearly two months into the school year, he found himself sitting behind a shed in a park with Monty and Miller. Miller pulled out a small tin can with three already rolled up blunts inside.

"Where'd you get this?" Monty asked.

"From a guy on the team. Bryan." Miller tried to hide his smile when he said the boy's name.

"Don't you get random drug tests if you’re in sports?” Concern filled Jasper’s voice.

"They're easy to fake." Monty interjected.

"Wait isn't your dad a cop?"

"No, he’s a firefighter but if you keep asking questions you aren't taking a hit Jasper." Miller said sternly, passing him the blunt anyway.

While the weed made him feel more goofy than usual, it also made him feel lighter and more calm. It helped keep the lights on in his brain and the ache disappear from his chest. It was the solution he had been searching for.

**xxx**

Things finally started to slow down. He felt like he could actually try and enjoy his first year of High School. He and Monty even started to become closer than they ever were before. They'd play video games until dawn on the weekends, plan pranks to make on Finn for breaking Ravens heart, and sneak edibles into the tree house. Sometimes they would talk about girls but Jasper would always shrug when Monty asked about Octavia.

While he had been preoccupied by his own thoughts he didn't have time to think about Octavia. Not as much as he used to. Not as much as he wanted. But this time things were a little easier to explain. It wasn't about not wanting to get his feelings hurt or savoring the best friendship he's ever had. There was a much taller, stronger, courageous person at play. _Lincoln._

If Miller hadn't tried out for football and successfully made the team, Lincoln might not have been introduced to the inner circle. All it took was one party at Lincoln's after the first home game and any hope of Jasper getting together with Octavia sailed off into the sunset.

Lincoln was one of Arkadia's Elite and lived in a mansion on the hills. His family owned and built many integral parts of the town. So not only was he rich, popular, and a literal legacy of Arkadia, he was also a really _good_ guy. He was intelligent and loved greek mythology just as much as Octavia and Bellamy do. He was extremely dedicated to football and hoped to go pro. He’d even stay extra late after practice to help Miller run plays. He cared so deeply about his family and friends. Everything about him just made sense. Jasper couldn’t even question him even if he wanted to.

A major bonus was that his mansion was incredible and was everything Jasper could dream of wanting in a home. Lincoln had a massive game room with old arcade games and just about every game console you could think of. He and Monty spent most of their time held up there. They even joked with Octavia about moving in with Lincoln instead of her. She just rolled her eyes and made her way down the long corridor that led to the gym. She suddenly had a new hobby for kickboxing but everyone knew it was mostly a scheme to have Lincoln shirtless. No one complained. Not even Jasper.

Sunday dinner was a new tradition at Clarke’s. While they still occasionally gathered for movie nights, this was a better upgrade. The seating around the table was much like the seating around the couch. As far as Jasper was concerned the pattern could _never_ be broken. Monty on his left and Octavia on his right. Always. Even when Octavia started inviting Lincoln over. Monty had to stop him from causing a scene when he came over for the first time and sat in his seat. Clarke elbowed Murphy for laughing. Octavia was mortified. Suffice to say it never happened again.

**xxx**

It wasn’t unusual when Jasper had gone weeks, months even, without a bad thought crossing his mind but sometimes no matter how good things were, the littlest things could set him off. Some with good reason, some for no reason at all. But tonight he had a reason for the ache returning in his chest, even more painful than the first time.

Both of his parents were IT consultants and travel was sometimes a big part of the job. He didn’t mind it at first, he thought it was incredible that his parents got to travel the world. But as he got older, their absence started to leave a mark on him. His parent's not being around a lot really hurt him. He wished he could have talked to his dad about asking Octavia to the dance and cry on his mom's shoulder when he saw Octavia with another boy. He wanted more than a nice gift when they got home. He needed them now more than ever.

Jasper scribbled down words on half sheets of paper and stuck them in random pages of his Harry Potter books. Some were notes that he was too scared to give to Octavia. Others were thoughts that he needed to get out of his head. Sometimes he would write things down and immediately throw them away. On other occasions like tonight, he would keep them and hope one day he would look back and laugh at his words. He often felt terrible, yes, but somewhere deep down he had hope for a future.

He shakily pulled out his phone and texted Octavia.

 **Tavia:** idk if you remember this but, code 394.

She replied within seconds.

 **JJJ:** Of course I remember. I'm on my way.

Code 394 was a secret term he and Octavia used when they were in middle school and couldn't escape to the tree house at night. Instead they put a wooden plank between their houses so they could climb through their windows to visit each other. This usually only happened when Aurora was in one of her moods, or Jasper wasn't fond of the babysitter his parents paid for when the Greens weren't available. But tonight Jasper was home alone with terrifying thoughts he couldn't shake.

He heard movement from outside and went to his window.

"I honestly didn't think you were going to come through the window. We haven't done that in years." Jasper said, helping her inside.

"I didn't either but my mother has someone downstairs. I couldn't risk it."

Jasper sat back down on his bed and Octavia joined him. He ran both of his hands through his hair repeatedly. A nervous tick he had picked up recently. It didn't go unnoticed by Octavia. She put her hand on his back and rubbed gently.

"What is it?" She whispered so quietly that Jasper almost couldn't hear her.The thoughts in his head were speaking too loudly.

He doesn't answer. The question itself only makes him lean into her further. Within seconds his head is in her lap and her fingers are in his hair. Tears start to fill his eyes and fall on her jeans. He thinks about not saying anything at all and forgetting about why he asked her to come over. Just laying like this with her was better than talking. But he speaks up anyway.

"Has your mom ever forgotten your birthday?" He asks, his voice muffled by her legs.

"No." She answers simply.

"Well my mom hasn't either but she's going back down to Oregon anyway so it kind of feels that way."

"Is your dad going too?"

"No but he said, and I quote, 'I can work from home just fine.'"

"I'm sorry."

The lump in his throat falters and the floodgates open.

"It just doesn't make sense, Tavi. I'd rather move to Oregon with them than have to be alone all the time."

"Hey, hey, look at me."

He lifts his head up and tries to meet her gaze. The reality of it all is kicking in. He's really having a breakdown in front of her at two in the morning. Another lump forms in his throat as she wipes the tears off of his cheeks with her thumb.

"You are **not** alone. You will **always** have me." Her eyes are piercing through him. He’s never seen her so serious before.

All he can do is nod. Too afraid that if he speaks he'll crumble again.

"And this year you'll have your birthday at Lincoln's."

He couldn't help his eyes go wide at that.

Octavia chuckled at his physical response. "Yep and we can watch all the Harry Potter movies in the theater room, and we can roast marshmallows in the fire pit in the backyard, and we can-"

He cuts her off with a hug that almost made her fall off the bed.

With her in his arms right now he wonders what would happen if he told her he loved her. He thinks if she said it back she would only mean it as friends. But in this moment he didn't think he would care. He hadn't felt this loved in such a long time and if this is what being loved by Octavia Blake felt like, even as friends, he'd take it.

Maybe things would get better after all.

**xxx**

Another year, another party at an Arkadian Elite’s mansion. This time it belonged to a girl named Lexa. No one really knew for sure, but Miller and Octavia were taking bets that Clarke and Lexa were secretly dating. Jasper couldn't be bothered with the gossip, he was too in shock that he had not only partied in one mansion but two. Lexa's place was a lot more elegant than Lincoln's. It felt more like a home. A very big home. It had a ballroom, a music room filled with old vinyl records and classical instruments, and a room that seemed to be half library half art museum. That's where he met _Maya._

She was sipping on whatever concoction that was made downstairs and was staring at a painting that Jasper would describe as "the opposite of the starry night."

"Is this one your favorite?" Jasper spoke up, keeping a distance from the girl.

A little startled by the sudden voice, she nodded. "It's beautiful. I didn't think I'd be spending my friday night in a gallery."

"You should see the music room. It's like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in there." Jasper chuckled.

"I won't be surprised if there's another room that has a closet that leads to Narnia."

"I'm Jasper." He extended his hand and she shook it.

"Maya."

She started walking around the room, examining the other painting.

"Are you new around here? I don't think I've ever seen you before." Jasper took a sip of his drink, his face scrunching up from the taste.

"I just moved here actually."

"Where from?"

"Well I'm originally from Virginia but we move a lot because of my dad's job. So I guess I'm also from a bunch of other places too."

He stroked his chin. "Mysterious."

Maya laughed shyly.

They were interrupted by Harper storming through the door calling Jasper's name.

"There you are! Why aren't you answering your phone?" She asked, out of breath.

He shrugs. "What's wrong?"

"Monty wanted me to tell you that Bryan brought some /gifts/."

He finger gunned the sky. It had been a while since he smoked.

"Oh you met Maya." Harper waved her hand between the two of them.

"You two know each other?"

"She invited me."

Jasper bounced on his heels. _To ask a risky question or to not ask a risky question?_

_Ask._

"Maybe you could come to Sunday dinner at Clarke's and meet the rest of the group?" He blurted out.

"Are you sure? That sounds kind of exclusive." Maya asked, looking to Harper for any sign that this might be too forward. All she did was smile back at her, eyebrows arched waiting for an answer.

"I mean you already know Harper. You're practically one of us already."

She sighed and tugged her lip between her teeth. "Well, as long as it's ok with Clarke, I'd be happy to join."

And so, another seat was added to the table. A lot of seats actually. With the added addition of Bryan, Lincoln, Lexa, and now Maya, the table in Clarke's dining room was packed. When it came down to the big moment of everyone sitting down together, Jasper layed eyes on Octavia as Maya pulled out a chair officially taking Octavia’s spot. Octavia looked back at him and gave him a nod. Unbeknownst to her, she looked a lot more hurt than she was leading on.

Maya continued to come to every Sunday dinner after that. She got along with everyone and seemed to be the piece of the puzzle they had been missing. Her and Jasper quickly bonded over what it’s like to have parents who travel for work. He finally felt less alone in that equation. He actually started to feel less alone all together.

Similar to the stories you hear in books and movies, Maya appeared to him out of thin air. She represented that love everyone is destined to find without looking. He wasn't even sure if Maya was actually into him or not. But the more time they spent together, the more he started to fall into something that he wasn't sure he would be able to get out of.

For a long time Jasper felt invisible. He was invisible to his mom, invisible on the dance floor, and sometimes even invisible to himself. But for the first time ever, he finally felt seen. Maya saw him for everything that he is and cared about him so deeply. He wanted to hold on to these feelings for as long as possible and never let them go.

When he kissed her for the first time on her front porch, a wave of absolute calmness filled his stomach. He had never felt so sure about anything in his life. All he wanted to do was kiss her again. So he did.

He kissed her again that night and again the next day after school. His world was full of kisses and first dates and double dates and dancing in the kitchen and falling happily in love. He loved this world and he loved her and maybe for the first time he loved himself too.

When you have so much love, you have to hold onto it with your entire being. You can so easily fall over and lose it all in an instant. And when you get up, you can find yourself in a ring of fire about to get scorched by the flames.

**Author's Note:**

> Part 1 of the prologue is complete. Part 2 is coming soon. Don't get burned.


End file.
